Frankenstein’s creature finds himself caught in an all-out, centuries old war between two immortal clans.
Since the fact that I, Frankenstein is so lacking in any redeeming qualities should be clear to anyone who has seen the trailer/read the premise/heard the title, I have decided to take a different tack. Here I want write an open letter/review to all of the audience members that joined me on the early afternoon showing at Vancouver’s Scotiabank Cinema on the 28th January 2014.
I hope you’re out there reading this guys.
To the Two Large Gentlemen Sitting in Front of Me
Frankly I should have moved the first time I caught a whiff of that odd odour that was coming from your general direction, but, adamant as I am, I was convinced that it was you who should be the ones to move (I’m still unsure as to why I thought you would though).
To my surprise however, your presence only enhanced my viewing experience. What came to increasingly smell like putrefying flesh actually synced up quite well with the appearance of the titular Mr Frankenstein. I was already fortunate enough to be experiencing the film in 3D, seeing our hero as if he were standing right next to me (or flying towards me as he seemed to be perpetually doing). But now I could smell him too! I felt like I was experiencing the world on a whole new level, helping me to engross myself in the films story much deeper than I thought I ever could. For this I can only thank you.
Unfortunately your considerable weight meant that you could recline your chairs further than should be physically possible. As I result I found my legs being crushed by one or both of your chairs intermittently throughout the film. This did go along way to diminishing the aforementioned enhancements that your presence provided.
To the Man who Sat Next to Me
The whole row was empty. The whole row behind me was empty! Why did you choose to sit next to me?
Maybe I should be flattered? Maybe you thought we would have some kind of connection? Two twenty-somethings, alone, sitting next to each other in a darkened room. I can see where you got the idea, but quite frankly your hopes were dashed as soon as you decided to use my head as a coat rack.
Honestly? There was an empty seat right next to you, why not put it there? Maybe you thought your “mistake” would start a conversation? I don’t know. Either way it didn’t work.
So then you preceded to play a bit of arm footsie (armsie?) with me on the arm rest. Mate, if your going to get anywhere you are going to have to be a little gentler. You marked your territory and you weren’t going to let me have an inch. Because of you i wasn’t able to splay myself over my seat as I so love to do.
I should have moved, but I’m a sensitive soul. I didn’t want you to feel rejected.
Finally we get to the popcorn. Were you not satisfied with the popcorn at the top of the tub? Did you really have to dig right to the bottom every time you wanted to grab a handful …. or maybe that’s it…. what exactly were you grabbing for down there?
Oh god, I don’t want to know!
To the Group of Koreans That Came in Half an Hour Late
You missed the best bit!
Na, I’m only joking.
There wasn’t one.
“Racist!” I hear you cry, ” How dare you assume we are Korean!” Guys, let me explain. With you sitting behind me, I was privy to more than enough of your conversations to work out that you certainly weren’t speaking Mandarin or Japanese.
Guys, I understand it can sometimes be hard to find seats when the lights have gone done, but seriously. The man next to me had been courteous enough to leave a whole row for you. Surely it shouldn’t have taken you 5 minutes of deliberation to find your seats.
I was patient with you, I even gave you a fair amount of time to settle, but still you insisted on carrying on your chitchat.
Okay. I’m sorry I snapped. But you must understand, by this point I wasn’t in the best of moods. Frankly, you pretending that you didn’t understand English only made matters worse, since the fact you were mostly silent for the next half an hour is clear evidence that you do.
Slowly though your silence became whispers, and your whispers conversation. I appreciate that you tried to hide it by only talking when the loud actiony bits were on, but you must understand that in order to hear each other you were shouting more than audibly.
I should have moved but at the time the two men in front had me in a double leg lock and showed no signs of letting me go.
I suppose I should be thanking you. You probably did me a favour drawing my attention away from countless scenes of tedious exposition as you did. It’s just I take my responsibility as a film reviewer rather seriously (as you can see) and you really hindered my attempts take in I, Frankenstein as a cohesive work of art.
Audience Member Rating:
To the Group That Came in an Hour Late and Left Ten Minutes Early
Probably a good move.
The Film Itself
The fact that I spent so much of my time obsessing over those around me speaks volumes about I, Frankenstein as a movie going experience. If you’ve seen Underworld you’ll know what to expect. There is absolutely nothing to talk about here, not even good campy fun. Nothing even that bad. The film just exists, and that is all there is to say about it.